Even though I’m not really a normal person, and also tend to hate things embraced by the masses, I do have some mainstream interests that might surprise you.
I know, it’s hard to believe. It’s hard to believe because it’s a lie. Knitting? Me? Seriously? Any pursuit involving pointed things that could be driven through the eyeball of another human in a fit of rage does not belong on a list of Lynne’s leisure activities. (See also: crochet, needlepoint, fencing).
Actually, I make scrapbooks. I say I make scrapbooks because I absolutely REFUSE to use scrapbook as a verb. One does not scrapbook any more than one barbecues. Blashphemous.
I don’t know if any of you also make scrapbooks. If you do, and you are incredibly fond of using $5 copper embellishments of sayings such as Wishing on a Star or A Moment in Time you should probably stop reading.
Last weekend, as I was putting away the Christmas (Shut up) décor, I decided to also clean out my crafting cabinets. Yes, I have crafting cabinets. Four of them. I have one (double doors) exclusively for supplies used in the course of making scrapbooks. Don’t hate.
Anyway, during this process, I discovered some unfinished scrapbooks I started for my daughter when she was a little younger. Okay, a lot younger. Okay, two. Shut up.
And I decided it was time to drag them out of the cabinet and get them up-to-date. I now face an arduous task, considering I left off in 2006. This means I have to chronicle potty training, preshool and associated graduation, pre-ballet and associated recital, three more years of ballet and associated recitals, kindergarten and associated graduation, other random school or church related perfomances, five years of field trips, birthdays, separate grandparent Christmases, learning to swim, two beach vacations, and six lost teeth.
So, I’m going through my existing supplies, and realize I’m going to need a few more things, namely specialty papers and adhesive. Since I’m at Hobby Lobby or Michael’s at least once a week, I already know what they have, so I decided to see what I might find on the Internet.
And I’m not even talking about the overwhelming array of available products. Oh, no. I’m talking about the galleries of customer-submitted pages available for viewing.
My scrapbooks are best described as photo albums with cardstock. I’m a minimalist in terms of what I put on a page, because, to me, the photograph(s) should be the focal point. I’m not against embellishments, per se, but I prefer a bit of relevant clip art or a self-made cut-out to ribbons, old typewriter buttons, and random pieces of lace. One, because all that extra crap distracts from the photograph and two, because you can’t close a scrapbook that full of flotsam. Or, if you can manage to close it using extenders and what not, it’s eight inches thick.
In my wanderings, I found some pages that were just too good not to share. And by good, I mean dreadful. (All photos courtesy of scrapbook.com)
Let’s begin by giving you an idea of how my scrapbook pages usually look.
This one is a pretty close to the way I prefer to layout my pages.
Several photos, some captions, an embellishment or two…
Apparently, the woman who made this page and I are the only two people on earth who embrace this philosophy.
Behold the other findings in said gallery:
Now, let’s just put aside for a second the fact this page is made for a CAT (!) and focus on the other things wrong with it.
There is way toooooooo much crap on the page. If that faux headline did not say THE CAT, I would have had to look for a good five minutes to figure out WTH this page was about.
The scripting in the lower right corner is decorative, e.g. not about the adorable antics of the cat itself, just random words on a piece of paper made in a blender out of other pieces of paper.
What the devil could possibly be in that envelope on the right? Fur? Whiskers? A hairball? Do I even want to keep guessing?
Can someone explain to me how hot air balloons are relevant to the goings on in the daily life of a cat?
The cat hates this page as much as I do. Look at it. It’s pissed. How dare you ensconce my awesomeness in faux newspaper and random metal fixings! Meowrrr!
Let’s move on to a page entitled Decorating Grandmother’s Tree.
First off, if you’re going to showcase one photograph, it really should be a truly excellent shot. This is not a truly excellent shot. This is a rejected still from Logger Bridesmaids Gone Wild.
Also, if you’re going to showcase one photograph, you really should not detract from it with EVERY PIECE OF CRAP IN THE SCRAPBOOK AISLE AT MICHAEL’S.
The subject has more decorations on her head than on Grandma’s tree.
Is it just me, or does it seem like Christmas had a little too much eggnog and booted all over this page?
And what’s up with the tiny clock? I usually associate clocks with New Year’s, not Christmas. Unless the page creator was poetically alluding to this being Grandmother’s last Christmas. Maybe Decorating Grandmother’s Tree is a euphemism for Decorating Grandmother’s Grave. See the silk flowers?
Ah, a page commemorating a wedding so insignificant it only warrants 1/6th of a page, because, by Ned, we’re going to leave room for some glitter and thumbtacks!
Let’s see if this page passes the marriage test:
Something old? Check.
Howard-Johnson-banquet-room-stale-cigarette curtains in background of photo.
Something new? Check.
Something borrowed? Check.
Rubber stamp of Bozo-the-Clown.
Something blue? See, this is where I feel this page really falls short.
This one is simply titled Wonder. And not wonder as in the introspective awe one often feels when experiencing nature, but as in WONDER, DAMMIT! Like, how DARE you view this waterfall and not be rendered completely helpless with admiration!!!!!!!!!!
So, this one is entitled Things I Love.
Things I Love:
- Gluing everything I own onto a 3×5 area.
- The frou-frou edges of notebook paper.
- Aggravating astigmatism.
This one is Friends for Life.
You know, like forever. Until the end of time. For eternity. And that is why I left space for at least three other FFLs. Just in case.
Which brings us to our last example:
Sooo. Let that sink in for a minute.
Someone made a scrapbook page about a fictional character. You know, it’s a shame there isn’t some already existing way to immortalize fictional characters and their stories…
Completely ignoring my seething hatred for Twilight, tween fiction in general, and all things vampire, let’s take a moment to really analyze this creation.
And, for the sake of my arguments, let’s pretend were talking about old school vampires here. You know, Dracula, Barnabas Collins, Count Chocula, etc. Not the emaciated, sparkly, angst-ridden, adolescent ones with gender issues.
First, kudos to the creator for going with gold instead of silver, because as any self-respecting vampire follower knows…wait…I don’t think you can use self-respecting and vampire follower in the same sentence…but anyway…vampires (at least the ones not covered in glitter) are allergic to silver.
But now lets look at the logic of a scrapbook page devoted to vampires.
Vampires—traditionally speaking—don’t photograph. At least not on film. (Aside: There is a surprising disturbing completely ridiculous amount of discussion on this subject available on the Internet.)
Anyway, bottom line, Twilight is stupid and making a scrapbook about it is stupid and I’m so disgusted by the whole thing I have to go lie down.